Video transcript
Drama Company 2023 - The Wasps - 01. Performance

[intro music]

ANNOUNCER: We would like to acknowledge the Ongoing Custodians of the lands and waterways where we create and perform. We recognise the Gadigal people as the Custodians of the land on which this show was devised and rehearsed, and today we recognise the Bidjigal people as the Custodians of the lands in which NIDA resides.

We pay our respects to Elders past and present, as ongoing teachers of knowledge, songlines and stories. We would like to extend that respect to any Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander people present with us today.

Thank you and enjoy the show.

[typing]

TOMOTI: Username, Tomoti_4273LBCTUV. Password, BigLegend69.

Wow, this is the worst video I've ever seen in my entire life.

Is this dude serious? I've seen monkeys with better opinions, lol.

What a tool. Get a life, you A-list loser.

Bro, this is the fugliest dress I've ever seen. Did the groom throw up on her? She should set it on fire!

Ha ha.

Surely, that's not his normal face; that's a monstrosity-- not even a mother could look at that. I'd sell it on eBay if my kid came out looking like that.

This is legit the stupidest thing I have ever read, including Trump's tweets, you covfefe cretin-- how did you even come up with this absolute ass-wipe rubbish?

This is some complete dumpster fire trash.

You know what?

You're a complete dumpster fire trash.

And you're wrong.

You're so wrong.

[buzzing]

I hate it. I hate you. The world hates you and your fat ugly face.

You should be ashamed of your life. I bet your family is ashamed to be seen with you. I bet they all died of shame.

No wonder your dad left you. You're an ugly has-been with no future and your misfits means nothing because you're nothing.

You are nothing.

Ha ha ha. I hope you get cancelled [echoing].

[maniacal laughter]

[echoing laughter]

[thud]

REGGIE: Hey, Marleen, play 'Internet Remix'.

MARLEEN: Now playing 'Internet Remix'.

[techno beat playing]

[rhythmic vocalisations]

[small words and phrases start to emerge in the vocalisations]

[Phrases like 'Oh my god' and 'Fire!' start repeating in the murmur of overlapping vocalisations]

5, 6, 7, 8

[rhythmic vocalisations continue]

[rhythmic stomping]

Cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel

[eerie whoosh]

[screaming]

[piercing scream]

MARLEEN: Now playing 'Prologue, The Problem'.

[collective sigh]

[heavy breathing]

[bang]

[collective gasping]

MAX: There's a monster in there.

[all shush]

JASMIN: What are you doing?

ANTHEA: What?

JOSIE: What are you doing?

JACOB: What?

OLIVIA: You fool!

FERGUS: What?

ANTHEA: We're doing our guarding job!

OLIVIA: We weren't.

[chirp]

JASMIN: Don't you know what kind of monstrosity we're guarding?

JOSIE: If the boss catches you, you'll be guarding your heinie.

MAX: All our heinies.

[collective groan]

[chirp]

[chirping continues]

JACOB: [loud groan] I just want to take a break.

JACOB & JASMIN: Just a little break.

ALL: One teeny, little break.

[chirp]

DOGGY: What's up, Woofers? It's your boy Doggie Woof Woof coming at you with another Hot Take. So we just heard that our man Tomoti has had been locked away from the internet by his housemate-- like, fully locked away without any internet reception. Yo, that is so crazy. We here at the Ratpack think his housemate is, you guessed it-- barking mad. Let us know what you think in the comments down below. Awoo!

[audience laughter]

FERGUS: Guys, I just saw this hectic video.

JACOB: OMG, same! I just saw this crazy video of a chicken playing a xylophone while wearing a tiny little hat.

JOSIE: Mine had a small child who fell over and totally faceplanted.

[laughter]

JASMIN: Did you see the one with the puppies?

MAX: Oh, my god. Wait, wait, wait. Guys, guys, guys. Mine was about the total destruction of the Amazon rainforest because of illegal deforestation and the inability of governments to adequately protect the world's natural resources.

[audience laughter]

Also, did you see Doggy Woof Woof posted that new Ratpack video?

ALL: Rad.

OLIVIA: I heard that Doggy is gonna be the lead in the next Greta Gerwig film?

[collective gasp]

ANTHEA: Oh, my god, I totally need to watch that.

FERGUS: Oh, my god, same!

[all talking at once]

JACOB: Guys, I think it's time we continued with the play.

ANTHEA: By the way, you shouldn't expect too much from us.

JASMIN: There's only one costume change in this show. And it's already happened. Sorry.

[audience laughter]

OLIVIA: And you're not gonna get an intermission. We're here for a good time, not a long time.

MAX: You will get some top-tier social commentary, though.

JOSIE: Hashtag intellectuals! Hashtag Greek Theatre! Hashtag Aristophanes! Hashtag chorus! Hashtag stunnin! Hashtag we're not getting paid for this.

[audience laughter]

JACOB: There might be a death. There's not, but--

[slam]

ANTIMOTI: What was that?

OLIVIA: See her?

MAX: That's the boss.

ANTHEA: She trapped the monster.

JOSIE: Hashtag no escape.

ALL: Stop that!

JACOB: The monster is a man.

FERGUS: A hu-man.

ANTHEA: But a hu-man with a terrible illness.

MAX: A horrible disease!

FERGUS: You'll never guess it.

JASMIN: Go on. Guess it.

OLIVIA: I dare ya.

JOSIE & JACOB: We dare ya.

FERGUS: I don't dare ya.

JOSIE & JACOB: Dare ya!

JOSIE: @Gazza64 thinks it might be a gambling monster.

OLIVIA: No. Wrong.

JACOB: No way.

[audience laughter]

@Winelover69 thinks it might be the love of the ol' bottle. Scandalous!

[audience laughter]

MAX: Wrong again!

JOSIE: OK.

[audience laughter]

@Harry'sHouse4Lyfe thinks it might be an obsession with Harry Styles.

[audience laughter]

JOSIE & JACOB: Nope. Wrong again!

JASMIN: You know, you're not very good guessers.

ANTHEA: Don't insult the audience like that.

JASMIN: Don't tell me what to do!

ANTHEA: Don't tell me what to do.

FERGUS: Guys! The monster is obsessed with the internet.

ALL: Gasp.

MAX: More specifically-- the comment section.

ALL: Double gasp!

OLIVIA: He's a cybersexual.

ALL: Triple gasp!

FERGUS: (Southern accent) Yep, caught him trying to download a couple terabytes.

TOMOTI: You got no evidence.

MAX: Oh, oh, and he spends his days with his fingers twitching for a keyboard.

TOMOTI: It's a medical condition.

JACOB: He doesn't sleep, always awake in the blue light of a screen.

TOMOTI: I don't sleep.

OLIVIA: He won't leave the house without 17 layers of pore-reducing foundation to emulate the beauty filter.

TOMOTI: Um, correction, I don't go outside.

ANTHEA: He practises his insults on Reddit and passes full judgement without even reading the whole post.

TOMOTI: That's true, and it works.

JASMIN: He can clear his search history in 0.5 seconds!

TOMOTI: That is also true.

FERGUS: So the boss, you see, had no choice but to lock him up in a house with no internet.

[all gasp]

[chirp]

DOGGY: What's up, guys? It's your boy Doggy here coming at you with another hot take. So we just heard that our man Tomoti has literal guards stationed outside his house, like, fully blocking it from using the internet. Yo, that is so crazy.

Us here at the Ratpack, we call that unnecessary Doggy Guarding. Also, it's time to stop the presses, yo-- awoo!-- because your boy is gonna be in none other than-- drumroll, please--

[drum roll]

--a feature film. Oh, yeah. Hit up my socials to see the full announcement because it is going to be barking rad. Awoo!

[audience laughter]

ANTIMOTI: Guards, are you distracted?

JOSIE: Oh naur.

ANTIMOTI: It's imperative you keep the monster from escaping. This is an intervention, for crying out loud! My Beyonce, what's that noise coming from the chimney?

And what might you be?

TOMOTI: Uh, I'm just a little waft of smoke?

ANTIMOTI: Smoke? From what wood?

TOMOTI: Hardware. I mean, hardwood. Oh, damn it.

ANTIMOTI: Quick! Guards, block his exit! Do not let him get reception!

[guard sneezes]

TOMOTI: Bless you.

JOSIE: Thank you.

TOMOTI: [stammers] You can't catch the smoke!

[all yell out]

JOSIE: This is all your fault!

[guards arguing]

[sneeze]

Bless you.

TOMOTI: Thank you.

[screaming]

[guards screaming]

ALL: Whoa!

TOMOTI: [screaming]

ALL: Whoa!

ANTIMOTI: Get him!

ALL GUARDS: Huh?

ANTIMOTI: (slow motion) Get him!

[guards groan]

DOGGY: What's up, guys? It's your boy Doggy here coming at you with another update on the whole Tomoti sitch. So he, like, got locked down, and then he got up again. And now he's locked down again.

Like and share to give this man some love. He deserves it. He has been through so much.

You know what else somebody would love? A sick-ass new hoodie from my merch line. Check out the link in the description below for the latest merch from my new web series 'Woof Woof for Realz'. Use code 'barking fabulous' for 15% off. Awoo!

[audience laughter]

[all groaning in slow motion]

ANTIMOTI: Oh, sorry. Oh!

TOMOTI: Oh! Oh, you animals! You fiends! You oppressors of free speech! How should I kill you? Somebody give me a knife or a doxing address! [groan]

ANTIMOTI: Get him back in there.

[guards panting]

JACOB: And then can we take a break?

ANTIMOTI: A break? Are you kidding me? Don't you know who's coming for him?

JASMIN: Who?

ANTIMOTI: Can't you hear them?

[typing]

They're coming, the keyboard warriors! Once irritated, they become as terrible as a swarm of wasps. They have the sharpest of stings, with which to cancel their enemies. They shout and scream and type and fight and their stings burn more than a UTI--

[guards gasp]

--so I'm told.

MAX: Not to fear! We'll--

ALL: Fend them off.

FERGUS: Will we?

JACOB: Actually, yeah, you know, sorry, I think it's time for my break now, yeah, union laws, you know--

ALL: Union laws!

JOSIE: Hashtag am I still not getting paid for this?

[typing]

ANTIMOTI: Ah-ha, finally! My comrades approach! Warriors from all over the internet have come to save me!

MARLEEN: Now playing 'Parados, The Chorus Skirmish'.

REGGIE: Oh, come on, guys! Quick, comment! You're too damn slow!

MARGARET: Type lively, keep up!

ANNA: You're slower than my Wi-Fi.

ETHAN: We need to be swift! Tomoti_4237BCTUV hasn't been active in 4 days!

ANNA: Long username.

ETHAN: Yeah, well, Tomoti_123 was taken.

MARGARET: Come on, we have to do something.

SAM: Tomoti? It's Grandpa. How do I use this thing again?

[audience laughter]

ANNA: This is so just wrong!

REGGIE: You know, it's about online security.

CHARLIE: Yeah, 'cause the government's buying your data. Wake up, sheeple!

KATIE: What about cool maths games? It's very educational.

ANNA: It's the aliens. They've been planning this for ages. I saw one at my window!

ELIZA: To be locked away from the internet completely, it's child abuse!

[banging]

JASPER: Oh, my god, you did not just have your Wi-Fi removed. I would, like, literally die!

[banging]

ANDREW: Oh, my god! Tomoti, I just heard!

[banging]

MARGARET: Yeah, keep up!

[banging]

KATIE: Why was Tomoti locked away anyway?

[banging]

JASPER: It's about equity.

[banging]

REGGIE: We already discussed this. It's the government.

ETHAN: This is the education system.

[banging]

MARGARET: It's the pigeons. The pigeons took him!

ALL: Ah, the pigeons.

[all talking and buzzing at once]

CHARLIE: By the way, did you see that Susan introduced screen limits for little Alex?

ELIZA: Oh! Like she's so superior.

ALL: [gasp] Can she even see us from her moral high ground?

[banging]

REGGIE: Guys, come on. Focus. This is about Tomoti.

[buzzing]

JASPER: Oh, my god, Tomoti, you did not get your phone taken away. I'm, like, literally shaking!

[gasping]

[buzzing]

SAM: Tomoti? One of my bingo friends said your name was 'trending'?

CHARLIE: Kids need integrated with technology. They won't learn!

KATIE: He must know something.

REGGIE: He must have found something!

MARGARET: He must have seen something.

JASPER: Crying, crying, crying, red heart, blue heart, yellow heart, skull poop, crying GIF.

[audience laughter]

[buzzing]

ANDREW: This is a matter for the Human Rights Commission.

ETHAN: They're hiding the truth. This is big pharma.

MARGARET: It's time for protest. It's about social justice!

ANNA: It's wrong!

REGGIE: It's inhumane!

SAM: It's-- penis.

[audience laughter]

ANDREW: Jeremy, give Mummy's phone back. Jeremy!

JASPER: I mean, to be locked away from the internet completely--

ANNA: It's a violation of human rights.

SAM: Tomoti, I don't know what's happening, but I do not approve!

ETHAN: Wow, the older generations disparaging the younger, how shocking.

ELIZA: OK, boomer!

[all talking at once]

We're not doing this. It was just like the pigeons!

ANDREW: Wait! Should we check with the housemate about why they locked him up?

ALL: Nah!

KATIE & JASPER: Hold on. We're coming for you!

ALL: We're coming for you.

Tomoti, we're here.

Don't you hear us calling?

We're typing our way to you.

Watch the comments falling.

Are you simply giving up?

Are you feeling downtrodden?

No, no, this will never do.

Denmark's definitely rotten!

She won't get away with this.

This is really a new low.

You're way too important to us all, though we met just minutes ago.

We need all your fresh opinions and passions most essential.

You know what, fellas? Get your stingers.

Oh, yeah. It's time to cancel.

JASPER: Yes, yes, cancel! Cancel away, my pretties! She is the reason I am trapped in here. It's an injustice! This is tyranny!

ALL: Outrage! Subterfuge! Lies! Manipulation! Lies! Manipulation!

ANTIMOTI: Guards, clear those wasps away from the door! Bar the entrance! Cut them off! Stick your fingers in their eyes!

[chirp]

DOGGY: Doggy here coming at you with another update on the whole Tomoti situation station. Choo-choo! Word on the street is that our likes and shares have finally got some traction, and we have people on the ground ready to free Tomoti from his barking mad housemate.

Also, stay on the updates train, 'cause your boy had just signed a deal with none other than The Cheese Wheel.

[wasps ooh]

That's right, guys. As you know, here at the Ratpack, cheese is a huge part of our culture. And we're here bringing you the hottest collab on the market, Tasmanian Triple Creme!

[wasps aah]

That's right, guys, only the very best for my followers. Check it out in your local grocery store today because it is going to be barking delicious. Awoo!

[audience laughter]

[wasps discussing]

ANTIMOTI: Guards? Unbelievable. Is no one safe from the algorithms?

ETHAN: Tyranny!

[echoing 'tyranny']

JASPER: Tyranny!

MARGARET: Conspiracy!

ANNA: Tyranny!

JASPER: What the hell are you on about?

ETHAN: This is a dictatorship if ever I saw one!

KATIE: Let's start a boycott!

ANNA: Post her address!

SAM & ANDREW: Destroy her feed!

CHARLIE & JASMIN: Make her pay!

JASPER & ELIZA: Spam her!

REGGIE, JOSIE, JACOB: Block her!

ALL: Kill her!

JASPER: Can we just take a minute to talk about this?

ALL: Talk?

ELIZA: With you?

MARGARET: The enemy of democracy?

ELIZA: Idiot!

JASMIN: Wanker!

ETHAN: Buffoon!

KATIE: Dimwit!

ANTHEA: TERF!

ANNA: Incel!

JASPER: Snowflake!

JACOB: Boomer!

FERGUS: Dickhead!

JOSIE: Narcissist!

SAM: Karen!

ALL: Gaslighter!

MAX: Antivaxxer!

KATIE & JASPER: Woke brigade! Fascist!

ANNA, OLIVIA & ETHAN: Nazi!

ETHAN: Socialist!

OLIVIA, ANTHEA: Jock!

MARGARET, SAM: Nerd!

ANDREW & JOSIE: Eshay!

ALL: Flop! Soy boy! Pick me! Did not pass the vibe check!

JOSIE: Not a slay!

ANTIMOTI: I don't even know what half of those mean.

JASPER: You don't know what Nazi means?

KATIE: Wow, ignorant much?

ETHAN: Educate yourself.

JASPER: I know what Nazi-- I would be better off speaking to a brick wall than reasoning with this lot.

Are you filming?

TOMOTI: Yeah. Someone in the audience left their hotspot open. You're on my livestream.

ANTIMOTI: Unbelievable.

TOMOTI: Tyranny!

WASPS: Tyranny!

TOMOTI: Conspiracy!

WASPS: Conspiracy!

ANTIMOTI: Tyranny? Conspiracy? For god's sake. Everything is a tyranny or conspiracy to you. If anyone even disagrees in the slightest, it's oppression.

You know the word 'tyranny' used to be reserved for actual real-world abuses of power? And now it's more common than COVID-19.

TOMOTI: COVID-19?

WASPS: COVID--

TOMOTI: No, no, no.

WASPS: Oh.

TOMOTI: We don't talk about COVID.

WASPS: (singing) We don't talk about--

ANTIMOTI: No! No singing.

[wasps murmuring]

Tomoti?

TOMOTI: What?

ANTIMOTI: This is unhealthy. Give me the phone.

[audience laughter]

Tomoti?

TOMOTI: Check out this guy trying to be a stand-up comedian. Get a real job, you idiot.

[audience laughter]

Oh, check out this baby. This is the most ugliest baby I ever--

ANTIMOTI: Tomoti.

TOMOTI: OK. OK. Karen.

[wasps ooh]

ANTIMOTI: See? You're so caught up in internet culture that your default is petty, reductive insults.

TOMOTI: Uh, it's constructive criticism.

ANTIMOTI: I'm not a tyrant. All I want is for you to be present, to not get sucked completely into this sham existence of comments and opinions and endless judgement. But for that I'm called a fascist?

TOMOTI: Well, you are. Look, I don't want real life. You can have it. Just give me that juicy comment section, baby, ripe and ready.

[audience laughter]

ANTIMOTI: That's disturbing.

[audience laughter]

It's clear that this is normal for you. Just try to take a minute to listen. Really listen. I think you'll discover that you're wrong.

TOMOTI: Wrong? Wrong? On the internet?

ANTIMOTI: Yes. You're a sheep, and you don't even know it.

TOMOTI: Ah, shepherd, thank you.

WASPS: Baa.

ANTIMOTI: See, you think you're in control, but you're just obeying the algorithm. Can't you see that the systems are current political and capitalist power profit from the constant echo chamber online? What do you get out of it?

TOMOTI: All right. All right. I'll tell you. But if we're gonna have to have a-- face-to-face argument--

[audience laughter]

--then you better let this lot decide who's right.

ANTIMOTI: OK. Deal.

TOMOTI: But somebody please have a sword ready, because if I lose, I'm gonna fall on it and unalive myself.

ANTIMOTI: What?

TOMOTI: Kidding. I'll just never go on the internet again.

[wasps gasp]

Happy?

ANTIMOTI: Well?

[wasps clamour]

MARLEEN: Now playing 'Agon, The Debate'.

All rise. Now hearing the case of The Internet versus Irrelevant Karen. Please be seated.

ANTIMOTI: Today, we will witness how the accused-- the internet-- has committed heinous crimes through the deadliest sin of all-- indiscriminate judgement.

TOMOTI: Okay, okay, enough with the dramatics. The internet is my community; it's where I can express myself, share my opinions.

ANTIMOTI: You can share your opinions in the real world.

TOMOTI: Yeah, but that's not the same.

ANTIMOTI: You're giving me your opinion right now; how is it not the same?

TOMOTI: Well, I post something on there and thousands of people see it in a minute. I say it now, and who's gonna hear me? You? Who's constantly hounding me? Nitpicking at my every thought? Who doesn't even understand what it's like? Who has already decided that I'm wrong?

ANTIMOTI: There is a difference between wrong and unhealthy. You can still be right in the wrong ways.

TOMOTI: Oh, there's nothing like having thousands of people see your comment and agree.

ANTIMOTI: Just because people see it, doesn't mean they agree.

TOMOTI: Oh, but so many do! That's how you find your people! Your peeps!

CHORUS: Ayyee.

TOMOTI: The people who support you without question!

ANTIMOTI: Without question.

TOMOTI: The people who will go into battle for you.

ANTIMOTI: But who started the battle?

TOMOTI: [murmurs] The battle's everywhere.

ANTIMOTI: And is the battle about unleashing unrestrained fury, no matter the casualties?

TOMOTI: Uh, hello, righteous fury? You can't spell 'righteous' without 'right'.

[imitates typing]

[audience laughter]

ANTIMOTI: So let me get this right-- it's OK to be nasty as long as you're 'correct'? Jeeze, Tomoti, why do you have to have a negative take on every single thing? Pass judgement all the time? This is why you need an intervention. I mean, just yesterday, you commented on a picture of a girl's wedding dress that it was--

TOMOTI (on recording): Fugly.

ANTIMOTI: --and that she should--

TOMOTI (on recording): She should set it on fire.

[scornful laughter]

TOMOTI: Yeah. Valid feedback.

ANTIMOTI: It was a picture from my actual wedding day.

TOMOTI: Well, valid feedback for your second wedding. Besides, relationships don't even last.

ANTIMOTI: Honestly, Tomoti. Why does it all have to be so hateful?

TOMOTI: Because it's fun. It's de-stressing.

ANTIMOTI: Distressing?

TOMOTI: De-stressing.

ANTIMOTI: Distressing.

TOMOTI: De-- look, the point is, this is how you win. If you don't like the stuff you see on the internet, you can just scroll past it. It's pretty simple, really.

Besides, have you seen the real world lately? It's not all sunshine and lollipops. There's a pretty big difference between my teeny little comments and real-life crime.

ANTIMOTI: It might not be a crime, but it's not harmless. The posting, the sharing, the shaming, it harms people.

TOMOTI: Oh, come on, it's harmless. They're just words. And likes.

ANTIMOTI: But the words can become actions. And likes don't mean they care.

TOMOTI: Of course not. There's a care reaction for that.

[audience laughter]

Besides, I don't make anyone do anything. The internet is the only place where I'm free to say what I actually think, the only place where I'm free to be heard. Fully heard.

ANTIMOTI: But if you're only being heard by very specific people who think just like you do, isn't that the same as ignorance?

TOMOTI: This is the complete opposite of ignorance; I'm forming my own opinion based on many people and many sources of information. Quite frankly, I'm the most informed ever.

ANTIMOTI: Are you sure?

TOMOTI: Certain.

ANTIMOTI: What if you're wrong?

TOMOTI: I'm never wrong.

ANTIMOTI: Your thoughts are always right?

TOMOTI: Yep. Bullseye every time.

ANTIMOTI: What would it take to prove that you're wrong?

TOMOTI: You can't.

ANTIMOTI: So you deal only in truth.

TOMOTI: Yep. You can't escape the facts. And I know the facts.

ANTIMOTI: Because you've researched them.

TOMOTI: Yep.

ANTIMOTI: On the internet.

TOMOTI: Yep.

ANTIMOTI: By watching videos and reading the comments.

TOMOTI: Yeah.

ANTIMOTI: Let's test it then. Let's see you pick out the truth and determine if your judgement is fair. And all you wasps agree to decide on what you think?

[wasps agree]

It's settled then. I'll bring the internet to you.

ANTIMOTI: Wait, wait, really?

TOMOTI: Yeah, why not. Hey, Marleen, set it up.

MARLEEN: Now playing 'Episodes, The Internet'.

ANTIMOTI: Let's see if you know the truth.

[chaotic clamour]

[lip trilling]

[cacophany of vocal warm-up sounds]

[clamour quiets]

MAX: I was just practising for my moment. Jeez. I'm sorry.

ANTIMOTI: [clears throat]

TOMOTI: Oh, yeah. Let's begin.

KATIE: Hey, guys! Welcome back to crafting with Casey. So you're just gonna want to start by--

TOMOTI: Boring.

ONE: Here are my top 10 spicy romance recommendations ranked from white people heat to Carolina Reaper.

TOMOTI: Lol, no thanks.

[bright music playing]

Tryhard.

FERGUS: Parkour!

ETHAN: I think we've all seen the video, and it's fair to say that people are pissed. Doggy Woof Woof, who just recently announced the deal with the Australian brand The Cheese Wheel, has been seen eating a wheel-- a Sicilian. It's ridiculous. And frankly, it's un-Australian.

TOMOTI: Oh really? Well, obviously, I need to unfollow Doggy Woof Woof. That's a shame.

OLIVIA: I hate men, except for this one. I like him. He's good.

ELIZA: Tonight, our contestants are competing to see who can row a boat the farthest using only a banana.

TOMOTI: I hate bananas.

SAM: Thank you, good sir. Now here we observe this frankly hideous trucker gallivanting his way through the European countryside--

Swipe.

JOSIE: You know what I really hate, Jasmine?

JASMIN: The current government.

JOSIE: Yeah, and you know what we should do about it?

JASMIN: Vote for the Washers Party.

JOSIE: Because our politics--

BOTH: --are never dirty.

TOMOTI: Oop, better write that one down.

ETHAN: It's ridiculous. And frankly, it's un-Australian.

ANDREW: You can't say it's un-Australian when it's not possible to source Tasmanian triple cream. I mean, what do we expect Doggy Woof Woof to do-- just ignore Sicilian cheese and magically source Tasmanian? In this economy? Besides, do we even know if he did eat the Sicilian?

TOMOTI: Of course he ate the Sicilian. The evidence speaks for itself. There's no way he's not guilty.

ANTHEA: Would you like to see more videos like this?

TOMOTI: Absolutely.

JASPER: Oh, god! Please help me! I've been stabbed!

CHARLIE: Oh, I love this trend-- 12 hours of whale sounds.

[imitating whale]

JASPER: You know it too!

SAM: Your fish just died. Just kidding! We are the Prank People! We're about to prank it up. We're gonna send good old Johnny Boy on the phone line.

FERGUS: That's me!

SAM: Like for part 2.

TOMOTI: As if I'm gonna search for part 2.

ANNA: Hi, guys, and welcome back to Melissa's Makeup. Today we're just gonna go in with a soft glam because I am actually going to court today!

TOMOTI: I'm actually more of a hard-glam guy myself.

ANDREW: Hey, guys, and welcome back to cooking with Jordy. Today, we'll be following my easy 17-step recipe for a protein-rich meal in less than 10 minutes. So we're just gonna start super safe and simple by cutting an onion. And we're gonna be really careful with this bit and-- oh, I've just cut my finger off.

TOMOTI: Onions are gross.

JOSIE: I'm here outside the house of Doggy Woof Woof, where protesters have gathered. Now, Doggy is yet to release a public statement, but we did speak to some of the people gathered.

CHARLIE: No statement is gonna cut it. We need to stop giving these people airtime.

JOSIE: Yeah. And, uh, what does your sign say?

CHARLIE: 'Cancellation guaran-cheesed'.

TOMOTI: Yeah! Cancel Doggy Woof Woof! He deserves it! What a waste of space.

MARGARET: Hey, guys, here's a song that I wrote for my crush over the weekend. I--

OLIVIA: If I were rich, would you date me?

MAX: My moment!

TOMOTI: Not your moment.

ANNA: And you saw Doggie Woof Woof eating the cheese?

FERGUS: Yeah! The whole wheel, too-- Sicilian.

ANNA: And there wasn't a Tasmanian triple cream at all?

FERGUS: Just a pecorino!

TOMOTI: Atrocious. Should have known better, you cheesist.

JASPER: Welcome back to another episode of kiss or slap--

OLIVIA: It's over, Ramikin!

ANDREW: [crying out]

[emotional music playing]

REGGIE: Don't tell me that this doesn't concern our children. Eating the correct type of cheese is a fundamental part of who we are as a society. Without it, what do we have? What does Doggy Woof Woof want in this country? Anarchy?

TOMOTI: That dog should be put down!

SAM: Welcome back to Pranking It Up, part 2--

MARGARET: Here's how to properly clean your oven using only--

KATIE: If you support Doggy Woof Woof, then you're automatically cheesist and you need to unfollow me immediately.

TOMOTI: Muzzle the dog!

[wasps murmuring agreement]

Making him pay!

WASPS: Make him pay!

TOMOTI: Cancel!

[wasps shouting 'Cancel!']

ANTIMOTI: All right! I think you've seen enough. Who thinks they have enough information to make a conviction on Doggie Woof Woof?

TOMOTI: All in favour of-- guilty.

WASP 1: Guilty.

WASP 2: Guilty.

WASP 3: Guilty.

WASP 4: Guilty.

WASP 5: Guilty.

WASP 6: Guilty.

WASP 7: Guilty.

WASP 8: Guilty.

WASP 9: Guilty.

WASP 10: Guilty.

WASP 11: Guilty.

WASP 12: Guilty.

WASP 13: Guilty!

WASP 14: Guilty!

WASP 15: Guilty!

WASP 16: Guilty!

ETHAN: Burn his kennel!

JACOB: I hope your family pays!

JASMIN: Make the family pay!

[chirp]

DOGGY: Hi, Woofers, it's Doggy Woof Woof, coming at you with a barking sad apology. I'm so sorry for what happened, let me explain--

ELIZA: I hope you lose your job!

ANTHEA: I hope you lose your house!

SAM: Find out where he lives!

DOGGY: No, no. I know I came across as disrespectful, but that wasn't my intention at all, and I'm gonna try and make it up to you guys by donating $10,000 to the Cheese Foundation--

TOMOTI: You are the embodiment of evil and you brought it on yourself-- you know what you did was wrong. And you're a waste of space for it. I hope you rot in hell. You ugly fascist, you deserve what's coming for you. You deserve to suffer for what you've done.

DOGGY: [whimpering]

[audience laughter]

TOMOTI: [sigh] That'll teach me to ever follow a cavoodle.

[collective gasp]

ANTIMOTI: Are you being breedist?

[collective gasp]

TOMOTI: No, I'm not being breedist. I've got plenty of cavoodle friends. Besides, how does Doggy Woof Woof not know the odour of Tasmanian from a Sicilian? Like, obviously, that's a part of it, right? Guys?

WASP 1: Wow.

WASP 2: You did not just say that.

WASP 3: This was never about breed, was it?

WASP 4: Oh my god, that's like, atrocious!

WASP 5: Unfollow.

WASP 6: Unfollow.

WASP 7: Unfollow.

WASP 8: Unfollow.

WASP 9: Unfollow.

WASP 10: Unfollow.

JACOB: No. Cancel!

ELIZA: Cancel!

[stomp]

JASMIN: Cancel!

[stomp]

ANTHEA: Cancel! [stomp]

ETHAN: Cancel!

[stomp]

WASP: Oh, my god. Did you see that Ryan Gosling is gonna be in the new Greta Gerwig film?

[all talking at once]

ANTIMOTI: They're just words.

RECORDING: Cancel. Cancel.

MARLEEN: Now playing 'Parabis, The Comment'.

[low discordant humming]

ELIZA: After his cancellation, Tomoti entered a deep depression.

KATIE: He'd finally felt the sting of his own hate, and it was all just too much.

ALL: It was time.

JOSIE: Oh, no, he didn't, like, die or anything.

OLIVIA: He just stopped posting.

ETHAN: RIP, Tomoti_4237BCTUV.

FERGUS: Yeah, good riddance.

CHARLIE: Hey-- we're not doing that anymore.

FERGUS: My bad.

REGGIE: By the way, now's probably about the time when you're checking your watches, getting out your phone and wanting to check what notifications you've gotten in the last half-hour or so.

ANNA: Don't even try to deny it.

KATIE: But if you liked the show, come and tell us afterwards.

SAM: Get our autographs before we're famous.

ANDREW & JASPER: And if you hated it, you can email us at drama.artsunit@--

REGGIE: If you hated it, maybe just wait for the right time and place to let us know.

MARGARET & ETHAN: It's more about the how and the when than the what.

ELIZA & JOSIE: After all, you can still be right in the wrong ways.

ANNA: You can also be wrong in the wrong ways.

ALL: Wrong in the right ways?

JACOB: That's the moral of the play, by the way, in case you missed it.

ELIZA: Actually, it's about a bit more than that. It's about how the misinformation and misdirection of the internet nowadays has pushed us further and further into an echo chamber of our own making.

CHARLIE: Basically don't be a mindless sheep online.

ANNA: Or anywhere.

MARGARET: Question your assumptions.

KATIE: Hold firm to your beliefs, but not so firmly you stop listening.

JASPER & ETHAN: Or learning.

OLIVIA: Rights are rights, but we also have responsibilities.

ALL: Don't be a flop.

ANTHEA: Entering our critical thinking era!

JOSIE: Slay.

[footsteps]

ANTIMOTI: Tomoti, there's someone here to see you.

[audience laughter]

DOGGY: Uh, hey, Tomoti. Wassup?

TOMOTI: You shouldn't be talking to me.

DOGGY: Man, I'm not gonna lie to you. These last few days, it's been 'ruff'.

[audience laughter]

TOMOTI: I like your fur.

DOGGY: Thanks, bro. You okay?

TOMOTI: Oh.

DOGGY: What?

TOMOTI: Well, it's just-- I led the swarm of hate towards you and said all that stuff.

ANTIMOTI: Uh, I think we can be a little more specific than that.

TOMOTI: 'I hope you rot in hell, you ugly fat'--

ANTIMOTI: [clears throat]

TOMOTI: 'I hope you rot in hell, you ugly fascist. You deserve what's coming for you. You deserve to suffer for what you've done.' I can't do this.

DOGGY: Hits different now, doesn't it?

TOMOTI: Well, don't you hate me now? You shouldn't even be looking at my face.

DOGGY: Look, man, you and me both, these last few days, it's been barking bad.

[audience laughter]

It's been bad. But I think it's okay.

TOMOTI: Why?

DOGGY: Well, you're talking to me now, and that's a start.

TOMOTI: And I'm gonna listen. I'm really gonna listen this time.

ANTIMOTI: So what happened?

DOGGY: Well, it was crazy. I mean, first, I'm building my career empire and then I was cancelled. And not a single person came to ask me what actually happened. I lost my feature film. My clothing line tanked and obviously I lost all my cheese stock. People were burning it up in big bonfires.

ANTIMOTI: 'Ruff.'

DOGGY: Yeah. And that's not even the worst part. The non-profit organisation I started to help out stray dogs didn't survive the fall. All the sponsors pulled out, said they didn't want anything to do with me.

I lost my house because my landlord had hundreds of emails saying they needed to evict me, and he caved, saying he didn't want to taint his property, whatever the hell that means. My family had to move kennels because they had so many death threats. They once spent 6 hours on the street because someone called in a bomb threat. After that, my little sister had so many nightmares.

And I've never been so low. All the work, all the effort that went in to get where I was going, gone, poof, just like that. And no matter how many times I apologised or no matter how many times I tried to make it better, it was never enough. I have never felt so helpless.

TOMOTI: Oh.

DOGGY: Yeah. And not one person came up to me to ask what actually happened or find out my side of the story. And eventually, everyone moved on. And I was stuck living with it. Guilty until proven innocent.

TOMOTI: So did you actually do it?

DOGGY: Does it matter? I guess I just wanted to try something new, even if it turned out to be nothing. Maybe I'd learn something. I just thought it would be OK to live my life without the fear that a split second, one small moment, could erase my right to exist at all. That one wrong could overturn so many rights, and I wouldn't even get a fair trial.

TOMOTI: I'm really sorry.

DOGGY: Thanks, bro. I forgive you. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry too.

TOMOTI: I guess you don't really get it until you face the angry swarm, alone.

ANTIMOTI: Maybe alone, but you'll certainly never the only one. This has happened before.

ELIZA: That brand.

OLIVIA: That publication.

ANTHEA: That journalist.

JASMIN: That author.

ETHAN: That singer.

KATIE: That actor.

JOSIE: That producer.

REGGIE: That comedian.

ANDREW: That politician.

JASPER: That royal.

CHARLIE: That athlete.

JASPER: That teacher.

JACOB: That nurse.

SAM: That employee.

MAX: That intern.

ANNA: That influencer.

MARGARET: That character.

TOMOTI: A friend.

DOGGY: A relative.

TOMOTI: Me.

ALL: You.

TOMOTI: I guess I don't really know everything.

ANTIMOTI: Finally!

DOGGY: Oh, by the way, who are you guys gonna vote for in the next election?

TOMOTI: The Washers Party, actually. They're gonna clean up the country.

ANTIMOTI: Tomoti, I--

TOMOTI: Kidding! I guess I'm gonna have to do some research. Some real research. I'm gonna have to find info, check the quality of the info, where the info comes from, the bias on that info, and oh! I already hate this!

ANTIMOTI: It does get easier. And besides, nothing truly important ever comes without effort.

DOGGY: You know what? I wonder what we missed while we were busy being cancelled.

KATIE: Soaring interest rates create mortgage prisoners and make more people homeless.

JASPER: Russia is threatening countermeasures against Finland for joining NATO.

ANNA: Eight people died in suspected human trafficking event in Canada.

REGGIE: Hundreds have been killed in rising conflicts in South Sudan.

ANDREW: We're almost too late to reverse climate change.

OLIVIA: But new carbon capture technology can turn carbon into baking soda.

MARGARET: My little sister lost her first tooth.

ETHAN: My grandmother's moving to be closer to me.

FERGUS: I wrote a Doggy Woof Woof fanfic.

[audience laughter]

MAX: I moved house.

ELIZA: I finally passed my driver's test.

JASMIN: I didn't.

[audience laughter]

JACOB: I started a new hobby.

ANTHEA: I'm seeing overseas family for the first time in 5 years.

SAM: I almost got an A on my exam.

JOSIE: I met a really cool group of people.

CHARLIE: My team won the championship game.

ALL: I'm almost old enough to vote.

ANTIMOTI: We made a play.

DOGGY: Nah. I don't reckon we missed much, although I do want a copy of that.

[audience laughter]

TOMOTI: Huh, I don't have any notifications either.

ANTIMOTI: So what are you gonna do now?

DOGGY: You know what? I think I'm gonna focus on my singing career.

Awoo!

TOMOTI: Yeah. You've got potential.

[audience laughter]

DOGGY: Thanks, bro. You know, it was really nice talking to you, Tomoti. Take care of yourself.

TOMOTI: Yeah. It was really nice to speak with you too-- in person. Now give me paw. Give me paw. Oh, good boy. Now go get it. Go get the ball. Go get the ball. Go. Go get the ball. Get the ball.

[audience laughter]

ANTIMOTI: Tomoti, I'm really proud of you. I know this wasn't easy, but it's worth it. Now we can build something that's stronger, wiser and kinder than before.

TOMOTI: You know what? I never thought I'd actually say this but-- I think you're right.

ANTIMOTI: Sorry, I didn't quite catch that?

TOMOTI: I think you're right.

ANTIMOTI: Sorry, just once more.

TOMOTI: I think you're right.

ANTIMOTI: And they all lived critically ever after.

[chimes and keyboard ascending chord]

[chime trills]

[audience laughter]

TOMOTI: Now, when I first got asked to talk about my new book, Tomoti's 12 Step guide from Hate to Great, it made me think-- what do I say to a room full of such intelligent people? A lot.

You see, you learn the lessons from the lessons you've learned when you've learned them--

[audience laughter]

--to learn. I have anger. I'm a part of a generation who for the first time in history are worse off than their parents. I'm watching the fallout of a pandemic, a climate crisis. I'm living in a world where showing kindness and empathy are seen as weaknesses.

But maybe I don't need to let my anxiety turn to anger. Maybe I don't know everything. It's shocking, I know. But maybe it's OK to take things slow; connect with the community. Grow some vegetables. Go roller skating. Hug a friend.

[chirp]

Make a cup of tea. Listen to the birds. Meditate to the sound of the ocean.

[chirp]

The path to greatness isn't by judging others but by living a life of kindness and empathy. Move past all the noise and live the real truth. Oh, god, maybe just 5 more minutes?

ANTIMOTI: Tomoti, no!

TOMOTI: Oh! Check out this dog trying to sing. What a loser!

DOGGY: Doggy Woof Woof everyone!

[all screaming]

[techno beat playing]

(rapping) My name is Doggy Woof Woof

And here we go, woof woof

Can you hear me?

Woof woof

Here we go

My name is Doggy Woof Woof

And here we go, woof woof

Can you hear me?

Woof woof, I'm here to go--

Woof woof

Ruff, ruff, ruff

Ruff, awoo!

Woof woof, woof woof, woof woof

Awoo!

Woof woof, woof woof, woof woof

Doggy Woof Woof, I'm gonna, oh, oh!

Doggy Woof Woof, I'm gonna, oh, oh!

Doogy Woof Woof, I'm gonna, oh, oh!

Doggy Woof Woof, I'm gonna, awoo!

[audience applause, cheers]

[techno beat playing]

ALL: Your moment.

MARLEEN: Everybody, 'Exodus, The Dance'.

[techno beat plays to end]