[news bulletin music playing]

CHARLOTTE JONES: Hi. I'm Charlotte Jones reporting live from Collaroy Plateau Public School, where we have just received word that retired schoolteachers are living in school buildings. We have here headteacher Ms. Smith, who vigorously denies all rumours.

MS. SMITH: This is simply not true. Teachers retire and go on long cruises. Neither I nor my staff have seen any evidence of retired teachers living at this school.

CHARLOTTE JONES: No one from the Department of Education was willing to comment. Now, over to Stella, who is on campus.

STELLA: Hi, Charlotte. I'm near the sport shed, where a teacher has been rumoured to be sleeping among the books, papers, and sports equipment. Let's see if this so-called rumour is true.

SPORTS TEACHER: Goes for the third shot of half time. She shoots. She scores. Bah bow. She goes for the second ball of halftime.

STELLA: Oh, my gosh! It's repulsive.

SPORTS TEACHER: What are you doing? Get out of my house, reporters. I'm not giving you any of my medals.

STELLA: No. I don't want your medals. We just want to know why you've been sleeping in the school.

CHARLOTTE JONES: Stella, is everything all right?

STELLA: This teacher thinks I'm trying to steal all her medals.

SPORTS TEACHER: And you ain't getting any. Nah!

STELLA: [screams] Stop it, will you.

CHARLOTTE JONES: I think we should try and interview some students and see what they think while Stella gets a teacher under control.

BELINDA STILSON: Hi. I'm Belinda Stilson. And I'm right now in the junior playground to interview some of the CPPS students. So you're certain that you saw another teacher in this very room.

STUDENT: Yeah. 100%.

BELINDA STILSON: OK, let's go in.

[alarm clock rings]

LIBRARY TEACHER: Huh? What are you doing here?

STUDENT: See, I told you so.

BELINDA STILSON: Ma'am, you do realise that teachers are not allowed to be living in the school?

LIBRARY TEACHER: I'm not living here. I'm just protecting my territory from the teacher living in the sports shed.

BELINDA STILSON: So what you're pretty much saying is that the crazy teacher in the sports shed is not the only teacher that's living in the school?

LIBRARY TEACHER: No. There are others like me.

[suspenseful music playing]

CHARLOTTE JONES: I'm currently the only reporter who isn't being chased by a crazed teacher throwing stuff at me. Looks like I have to get to the bottom of this myself.

Hi. I'm Charlotte Jones at the school hall with this lucky student, who has just rumoured that a retired drama teacher is living in the costume cupboard. I will send my colleague now to go investigate.

REPORTER: Hello. Hello. Live from the bush garden. Rumour has it that there is a teacher living in this very cupboard. Let's have a look inside.

REPORTER: To be, or not to be. Once more into the brink, you [inaudible]. Ha!

REPORTER: Oh, my.

DRAMA TEACHER: How dare you invade my space. Out, out, damn spot.

REPORTER: That is no way to speak to me.

[music playing]

DRAMA TEACHER: You will not [inaudible].

REPORTER: You will not get away.

GIRL: I'm on TV.

CHARLOTTE JONES: Yeah, that's great kid. So have you seen any other retired teachers?

GIRL: I haven't actually seen anything, but I've hear explosions since Year 2.

[alarm sounds]

[screams]

CHARLOTTE JONES: It's worse than I thought. Another retired teacher. Run!

REPORTER: You know the place is absolutely insane.

CHARLOTTE JONES: Agreed.

BELINDA STILSON: So, we're asking the nation, have you checked your store cupboards recently? Is this a national scandal?

DRAMA TEACHER: What's their problem?

SPORTS TEACHER: I don't know.

LIBRARY TEACHER: Are they crazy or something.

SCIENCE TEACHER: Oh well.

[news bulletin music playing]